Tuesday, March 20, 2012

goal 3 draft

             1.I stand up in front of mirror and looked at myself. I was keeping asking myself:” what do I want to be and what’s my goals for the future.” I was confused. If I asked myself before, I would say that I still have couple years to make decisions. However, I am in the college now and it’s the time to make a change and I can’t find any excuse to escape thinking of my future anymore. Actually, I have been thinking a lot of occupations recently, like to be a doctor or a teacher or a banker. I think to be a banker is my first choice because it’s easier if I compared to the others. Before to become a banker, there is a big step which I need to determine is which school I should go. So my goal is to transfer into Economic major at Baruch in the next year. To achieve this goal is not easy, but I have already made plans to help myself.
               2.First problem I faced to is to change my major. I am still in the Liberal Arts now, and I should change to Economic. The problem is that I already finished some Liberal Arts credits, if I changed to Economic, some of the credits can’t be transfer to Baruch. I have asked my counselor and she told me that’s very important to decide a major. If once I know what do I want to study, and I should transfer immediately. If I wait long time to transfer my major, I will waste a lot of time and money to study something is not relate to my major. She also gave me advice, like I should check Baruch’s website to see how to transfer to Baruch, and what the deadline of applying Baruch is. And she also told me that I can apply six different colleges and I should find five more schools just in case if Baruch may reject me. Finding more details about how to choose class and to change major will help to finish my credits faster.
               3.Second problem is that I should make my economic plan. I have 3 years of finical aid left. I need to pay one more tuition fees by myself; I think one year tuition in Baruch is 10000 dollars. And I haven’t counted daily expense; I can use my part-time job to pay my daily expense. There are two ways I can pay my tuition; I can apply either student loans or scholarship. I need to pay back student loans when I found a job in the future, but to get scholarship it’s hard. School will require your have very high GPA. My brother was in BMCC now and he got 3.8 GPA, but he still can’t be eligible to get scholarship. I can try both of them to pay my tuition fees. Mastering management economic can help us avoid falling into financial crisis.
               4.The third problem which is the most difficult one is to keep my GPA at least 3.5 in the LAGCC.  Even though I spent a lot of time on studying, I am still not satisfied with my GPA, especially in writing course. I struggle with it all the time, sometimes I sat in front of computer for more than an hour, and I couldn’t come out with any ideas. I am so afraid that I couldn’t be eligible to go to Baruch. If I keep complaining or scaring instead of finding solution, I will definitely incomplete my goal. So I did plans for this semester. First of all, I will wake up 15 minutes early to make sure that I won’t be late to classes. I won’t let attendance to hurt my grade. Secondly, I will take notes on all of my classes and pay more attention to my professors. Furthermore, I will study before classes and review before tests. I want to make sure I understand what the professors are taking about and remember most of concepts. Finally, I will reduce the amount of time spend on games. I don’t want to delay my studies due to childish toys.
              5. The last problem is about internship. My friend suggested me that I should get internship as possible as I can. She told me that I can either go to ask internship department or to look at website to see which bank will offer. I found that only Bank of America offers internship to college students. But I missed their deadline, so I need to apply in the next semester. If I get the chance of internship in the bank, I think I will become a banker in the near future.
               In conclusion, to have a goal in life is very important; the target can bring us the driving force of our success. If we try to pursuit of our goal, there will be one percent of chance to success. If we give up the pursuit of our goals, there will be no chance to success.
              

              

4 comments:

  1. I have a lot of sentence very confused to people and some of my grammar is very bad. I hope you can give some advice how to revise my essays. Thank you very much. by Qian

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    Replies
    1. Hiiiiiiii.. I just want to say that I know you struggle with english because it is not your primary native speaking language and overall this was very well written!!! Great job!!! There is a few mistakes here and there in each paragraph with grammar but I understood what you meant to say. Your researched is well structured and your thesis statement is clear also your topic sentences in each paragraph too. From the beginning, your essay caught my attention right away and maintained it all the way till the end which is important when someone is reading. So another good job on that. You ended the essay excellent. I hope you reach your goal and face all your problems.

      2. Yes your thesis is clear.
      3. It is one sentence and a statement rather than a question.
      4. The thesis could be strengthened by adding a few more words that are missing. Like for example you wrote: So my goal is to transfer into Economic major at Baruch in the next year. I would write it as: So my goal is to transfer into the Economic major at Baruch College in the next year. Or By the next year, I want to transfer into the Economic major at Baruch College. (Basically switching your sentence around and a adding a few words that are missing to make the thesis more clearer)
      5. Yes there is “ attention getting” aspect to the intro. I feel it could be strengthened following the same rules in your thesis. Adding words that are missing to complete the sentence. Maybe even describing what is the Economic major in case your reader does not know.
      6. Yes there is a clear essay map. The only way it could be improved is by fixing a few of the incomplete sentences to strengthen the whole essay.
      7. Yes the elements provided in the essay map line up exactly with the topics of the body paragraphs.
      8. No nothing really to cut in the intro but just make the changes of the words that are missing. For example starting from the first sentence you wrote: I stand up in front of mirror and looked at myself. I was keeping asking myself: “what do I want to be and what’s my goals for the future.” I was confused. If I asked myself before, I would say that I still have a couple years to make decisions. However, I am in college now and it’s the time to make a change and I can’t find any excuse to escape thinking of my future anymore. Actually, I have been thinking a lot of occupations recently, like to be a doctor or a teacher or a banker. I think to be a banker is my first choice because it’s easier if I compared to the others. Before to become a banker, there is a big step which I need to determine is which school should I go to. So my goal is to transfer into Economic major at Baruch in the next year. To achieve this goal is not easy, but i have already made plans to help myself.

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  2. thank you very much to give me revise.

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  3. ok now here is the trick something that helps me with writing my papers. Try reading this out loud. Sometimes I tend when I am writing to write like I am speaking and I think you probably are doing the same thing too lol... When reading out loud it helps to identify what is missing in that sentence... Re reading what you wrote also helps because sometimes you don’t realize there are mistakes. So try this and see what you come up with. I will help you with the first sentence in your into so you can better understand what I am talking about if you are unsure of what I mean. Ok..I stand up in front of mirror and looked at myself. I was keeping asking myself: “what do I want to be and what’s my goals for the future.” I was confused. I would write it as... I always stand and stare in front of the mirror and just look and think to myself. Asking: “What is it that I want to be and what are my goals for the future”if I asked myself before I was confused. I would say in quotes …. etc

    Do you get what I am trying to say. Mainly just a few revisions in the first paragraph!!!

    Body paragraphs:
    paragraph number 2:

    9. Yes the topic sentence is clear
    10. Yes it relates to the thesis.
    11. It can be strengthened by rewriting the sentence. First problem I faced to is to change my major. REWRITE and words that are missing. Ex: The first problem I will have to face is the changing of my major.
    12. Yes the details support the topic sentences.
    13. Yes
    14. You need help in making them stronger with the point I was making.
    15. Yes clarification of complete the sentences with what is missing.
    16. Your body paragraphs are in order. Just fix those minor changes and you will be even greater because you already did great!

    Thank You for editing mine.
    I hope I was helpful with yours :-)

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